Accountability: No one left to blame but you

I have been restless lately. My gardens are growing, the yard doesn’t take as much time and I have no major trips to look forward to. I am struggling to stand still. I took a bit of a break from everything for the last month. Stopped my yoga practices, my positive eating habits, exercising and I have noticed some old habits starting to creep back in. Uggh!

The challenge is that now I am more present than I have ever been in my life. I can’t blame anyone else for my current state. In the past I could say that my actions are justifiable and a coping mechanism for my life. It’s my husband’s fault, it’s my kids fault, it’s the ashrams fault hmmm. I know better. I know that I am the one who decides ultimately what I am going to think, create, action or …quit doing.

One habit I have kept is reading books. I opened one recently around Shamanism and spirit animals. Since I was taking a break from the yoga practices I decided to dust off the shaman literature. 

Put yourself first…there’s that quote again. I thought I was pretty independent and started to count the ways in which I was waiting for someone else to complete something before I could do “my thing”. I expected my husband to help me find a van. I realized I also expected him to drop his projects and help me to “camperize” a van to some extent. The “check lights’ ‘ warning came on in the car. I expected him to either fix it or take it somewhere. The list is long but when should the accountability to take care of things that are important to me start?

I have a new adventure for June. Stop waiting for someone else to do the things I can do myself.

I spent my day fixing our pond in the backyard. I researched pumps, purchased the one I thought worked best for our scenario and arranged it. I waded into the muck and cleaned out the debris. Planted my water plants and spent my afternoon listening to the blissful sound of the waterfall. I can do these things! I can do more. I can be accountable for what I want to do and how I want to be. Blaming anyone else doesn’t get to the root of the problem. Clearly I need to get back positive habits that keep me on track and productive.  It’s one thing to get sidetracked. Before you know it weeks if not months have gone by and good intentions have resulted in time being lost.

I saw a tan and black butterfly today. It fluttered by me and then circled me several times. My first instinct was to grab my camera. I knew if I did I would lose the moment to dance with the butterfly. I chose to stay present and as the butterfly the size of a graceful hand floated around me several times I smiled.

It was a good day to dance and get moving.


Wild heart, free spirit, shaman enthusiast who loves to be curious about anything and everything. Avid traveller who is itching to explore more of this wonderful world when save to do so.

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