The Airing of Grievances

Buh-bye!

I enjoy the show, “Seinfeld” and the “Festivus for the Rest of Us” episode. I decided to take a line from that show and have my own “airing of grievances”.

I’ve been processing the end of my third (yes, third) marriage for the past several months. I tried, for so long, to keep it together. There were so many times I told my husband I felt there was “something” that kept him from being close to me; that I felt second-rate in his life. He constantly denied it. There were so many arguments. He always told me something worth having was worth fighting for – yet he didn’t put actions behind his words. In the end, he realized he prefers his own gender, yet to this day, cannot (or simply won’t) see how it affected our relationship and his inability to be the partner I thought I was getting when we married.

Since living on my own, I’ve done a great deal of reading. I realize now he is a narcissist. Every article I’ve read about narcissism should have his photo next to it. The more I read, the angrier I became – at him and myself. I knew I wanted to leave five years ago. I didn’t because: a) I’m stubborn and did not want to be divorced three times and b) I already disrupted my son’s family life once and I wasn’t going to do it again while he was in school. I felt robbed of those five years. The more I gave and tried to change things, the more he took and didn’t give anything back.

So, I decided I had enough. I’m done with trying to figure him out. I’m done with wondering “why”. I’m done with feeling angry. I’m done grieving for “what could’ve been”. I decided to “air my grievances”. I wrote out every sadness, hurt, anger, resentment about that man and the eleven years we spent together on strips of paper. There were over 120 strips by the time I finished. I wanted to get everything out so there’d be no more energy spent on him.

But, what to do with all these strips of paper? I burned them. I invited a friend to join me. She wrote out her grievances and, in her backyard, we set them on fire in a metal planter. I wanted to do it one-by-one, but quickly realized that’d take much too long! 🙂

It was satisfying to watch the paper curl as it burned. Once the grievances were ashes, I burned sweetgrass and sage to purify the air of negative energy. The grievances are now beneath a layer of “positive” ashes. I’m going to add topsoil and grow plants. New plant life for my new life. Every time I look at it, I’ll be reminded of the action I took to put the past hurts behind me and look towards the future. As my new plants grow and thrive, so will I.

Adding Brushstrokes

I loved Vanessa’s last post. I chuckled at the comment about how our lives are “about to change” – I think that happened the day we were both let go from our employer within 15 minutes of each other. 🙂

So much of what Vanessa wrote resonated with me. We truly are staring at a blank canvas. It’s exciting, and yet scary. The last few weeks, I’ve been experiencing higher levels of anxiety, and even a few anxiety attacks. I’m no stranger to them, so I know what’s happening. My first action is to get my thyroid levels checked. 🙂 Sometimes, anxiety is a symptom of having too much Synthroid, and my medications need to be adjusted again. Failing that, I need to look at other causes.

I suspect part of it is living in a nearly-post-Covid world. Did anyone else find it weird to walk into stores without wearing a mask? For two weeks, I carried one with me. Sometimes I felt I needed to wear it, other times not. I don’t like when strangers stand to close to me – something I never used give much thought. I’ve gotten used to going without a mask (most of the time), but I still sanitize my hands every chance I get.

Truthfully, most of the anxiety is coming from not having a clear path before me. I’ve always had a plan. Now, like Vanessa, I’m looking at a blank canvas. Hers is a new van; mine is the life I want to create. In our early days of blogging, we talked a lot about creating space, through decluttering and purging things that no longer serve us. Now, what do we do with the new-found space?

If you read my posts, you know it’s a question I’m wrestling with right now. I’ve got tonnes of time, and yet, am well aware that I have more years behind me than ahead. The vision I had for this stage of life has been erased. I’ve taken the metaphorical sledge hammer to it because I wasn’t about to settle for less than I deserve.

I’ve added a few brush strokes to my canvas in the past few months. I have a long way to go to complete the picture.

You Can’t Undo Awareness

Reflecting on Luna Terra Soul podcast and card reading.

Every blessing ignored becomes a curse

The Alchemist

In our most recent podcast “The Ace of Space”, Selena (Luna Terra Soul) mentioned the book “The Alchemist”. I hadn’t heard of it before or at least not yet connected its importance to the current journey I am on. In the podcast one of the cards that had come up for me was the 4 of Swords. I’ve had some time to reflect on its meaning and the significance of appearing now.

The confession of not being in balance is true. The more I clear space, the more real it becomes. The 7 of Pentacles does tie into the present and future as I reflect on what path to take next. It’s a confirmation to always have a back up plan. The main story in “The Alchemist” follows a young shepherd on his quest to find his treasure in Egypt. At one point he is distracted from his quest for a period of time. I know how that feels as I have often set out to accomplish one thing and ended up pursuing something else that filled the space without awareness. An event occurs that brings him back to his original goals and he has to decide which direction he will follow. The parallels of his journey and mine are not lost on me. We both seek a treasure. I have a feeling that we both at this point believe the treasure to be one thing and will eventually realize it might be something else entirely. 

I can always go back to being a shepherd

The Alchemist

“ I can always go back to being a shepherd…maybe I’ll never have another chance to get to the pyramids in Egypt”(excerpt of reflection by the boy in book).

I can always seek out the opportunities that my education and experience has brought me. There is comfort in the familiar path and very little that is unknown if I seek to continue it.

“Why not” is mentioned in the book. To some, that might seem insignificant. To others, it’s something I have been known to say often. An omen perhaps to relate to a kindred spirit? To go into ambiguity and uncertainty with an open heart and mind. 

The synchronicities that come up for me in this book would be spine tingling if I wasn’t used to the universe’s ability to validate the reason I go where I go and do what I do when the timing is right to do it. That might sound confusing so let me explain. 

Series of events…

  • Selena mentions the book “The Alchemist”
  • I don’t recall it and decide to start to read it
  • Right away I start to see the connections
    • I am a visual person, the fact that the journey begins in Spain in areas in which I have stood, engaged in the culture and heritage. I have sailed across the very channel he speaks of to the port of Tangier. 
    • The desert of North Africa will forever be forged in my spirit. I didn’t quest to go all the way to Egypt but I can close my eyes and smell the dust, feel the sway of the camels as we venture further into nothingness and dream under thousands of stars.

The geography is one part of the familiar journey, the boy’s personal journey of balance and desire is another. The book talks of a Personal Legend. It goes on to explain that when we are young everything is possible. As time passes and life interferes with our goals we say goodbye to those dreams. If we stay open to the potential the universe will send us omens to forward our Personal Legend. It’s just waiting in the wings for us to be aware once again and is willing to pick up where we left off if we chose to continue.

Further in the book it talks about “making a decision is only the beginning of things.” I have noticed this anomaly happen in my life. I don’t have to have the master plan in place, just intuitively choose a direction to go. The rest will fall into place as it should if I am aware of the signs, nudges and gifts of knowledge that show up when appropriate. 

I haven’t finished the book yet as I write this blog. I felt compelled to get down my thoughts today before I go for my walk. It feels right to do so and share it with you.

I am still not sure what my next chapter looks like. I have some reflection still to consider. The dreams I had as a young girl no longer seem valid to this midlife woman’s heart. I will have to see and feel what the cards are bringing up next. There is comfort in knowing there is time and I am learning the practice of patience.