Looking Inward

I’ve enjoyed reading about Vanessa’s adventures this summer. I’ve been living vicariously through her.

I’ve been facing adventures of a more internal nature. I’m trying to figure out what makes my heart sing. For so long, I looked after other people – my son, my parents, my husband. I lived a life in service to others. Now, I’m on my own. My dad is in care, my son lives with my ex, and my husband – well, he’s on his way to becoming an ex.

When I look back at the last few years, I shake my head. There’s the saying “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”. Sometimes, I think He thinks I’m stronger than I am. Four years ago my parents moved in with us, Dad had cataract surgery, then a heart attack. Two years ago, Mom died from a head injury sustained from a fall. Dad’s vision started to fail and I became his primary caregiver. My marriage started to implode. My husband realized he prefers his own gender. We opened our marriage so we could find people better suited to each of us. I met my current partner. Covid hit the world. My son graduated from high school. I lost my job. I started a new job. My husband and I separated. I moved out and bought a new home. I’m almost afraid to ask – what else can happen?

All the changes have left me on my own with my dog, Keo. Everything I want done in the condo is done, for now. I’m settled in my new job, and love it. I have great friends. My partner, Martin, and I are really good. I find myself with SO MUCH free time and I don’t know what to do with it.

Don’t get me wrong. I have many hobbies. For some reason, I can’t get started on any of them. I feel stuck…unmotivated…aimless. It’s not depression. I’ve got that and know how it feels. Martin pointed out that I no longer have anyone who depends on me. My time is truly my own. I’ve spent so many years in service to others that I don’t know how to be in service to myself.

I suspect he’s right. It’s probably a good thing he’s working so much this summer. It’s giving me time to figure things out for myself. Being the Type A person I am, I wish I could figure it out much faster.

All I can do is enjoy the quiet and give myself grace. I don’t need to have all the answers. Martin suggested I take the time to try new things. He likened it to dating – putting myself “out there”, trying things, and seeing what sticks. It worked out for me and him, so maybe he’s got a good idea.

Have you ever had to try to find yourself and your passion? What worked for you?

Reflective Moments

It’s the last day of a long weekend, and I’m up so the dogs can be fed. I’m also up to enjoy some solitude in my house. Everyone else is asleep. It’s the only time of day where there is absolute quiet and no expectations of me.

When I invited my parents to live with us four years ago, I had no idea how much work it would be. In my mind, I’d pictured fishing trips with my dad, working together in the yard, and going shopping with Mom when she felt like it.

Little did I know it would become an endless parade of medical appointments, that their health would decline so rapidly, or that Mom would die from a massive head injury sustained from a fall in our garage. In the past year, my Dad started to lose his vision and is failing before my eyes.

So much has changed in the past four years in addition to my parents. My marriage ended. My son graduated high school. I found a new partner. I lost my job, and found another. We’re also one year into a global pandemic.

There are days I’m overwhelmed. Most days, I’m grateful. As much work, and at times frustration it’s been, being able to care for my parents at the end of their lives gave me time with them I haven’t had for years. I moved away from home in my early 20’s and never again lived in the same city. Visits were three or four times a year and weekly phone calls.

The job loss was a blessing in disguise. It gave me time to take stock of where I’m at and where I want to go. I realized I’m not ready to retire, despite how much the idea appeals to me. I learned how much I’d ‘muted’ my true self to try to make the marriage work, and began to bring my ‘self’ forward. I examined what it was about me that made me choose partners who, in the end, were not good matches. I can go forward with new self-awareness.

I do not live a conventional life. When we realized our marriage no longer served us as a couple and acknowledged we were – indeed – roommates, my husband and I opened our marriage. Through that, we both found people who give us the relationships we want. When the pandemic hit, he invited my partner to stay with us on his days off so we didn’t have to rent AirBnbs. Both his partner and mine helped us build our deck.

Yesterday, Valentine’s day was marked by formally signing our separation agreement. We’ve decided to stay in the house together, but separate. I occupy the second floor, and he is finishing the basement to live there. We will share the main floor. This arrangement gives us an economical way to live independently of each other, keep the house we like, the yard we love, and our pets. How long it will last, we don’t know. It works for now.

My day is about to start. I hear Dad coughing in his room. Soon, he will need me to guide him to the kitchen, make his breakfast, and get his medications ready for him. The silence will be shattered by the sound of game shows and “The Big Bang Theory” coming from his TV. When my son wakes, he will start chatting and gaming with his friends. This will carry on long after I go to bed.

I cherish these moments of solitude where I can sit in a sunbeam, drink my coffee, and not have any immediate responsibilities. It’s a gentle way to start the day.