Unexpected Adventure

I looked at the quote on our home page today. Adventure definitely is an attitude we need to get through day to day life. Sometimes, our adventures are a result of someone else’s.

My third marriage is ending. We’ve been together 10 years, married for 8.5 years. I always felt like there was ‘something’ that kept my husband from being close to me. He wasn’t able to talk about feelings. He couldn’t tell me why he loved me, saying, “I just do – isn’t that enough?” There wasn’t any intimacy. We lived as roommates.

Five years ago, I started to count down the days until my son graduated. I’d already left his dad and I wasn’t going to break up his family again until he was done high school. My husband knew how I felt. It still wasn’t enough to make him realize our relationship wasn’t working. We argued – a lot. He always said something worth having is worth fighting for. “Bickering” was normal.

We finally decided we weren’t giving each other what each person needed and opened our marriage. Little did I know where this would lead.

It turns out, my husband is interested in men. At first, he believed he was bi-sexual, but it’s becoming more and more apparent he’s gay. He hasn’t dated a woman in over a year. He started smoking pot because it’s what one of his friends does, he bought a motorbike because another friend rides them – it was like living with a 14 year old again. A month after I moved out, he asked one of his friends to move in with him – not as a roommate but as a partner.

It explains so much about our relationship – his inability to be authentic with me, to feel and express his emotions, the lack of intimacy. He was living his own lie and not being honest with himself. How could he be honest with me?

So, here I am, 54 years old and starting over – again. I thought I’d be retiring in 5 years, not paying off another mortgage. I’m happy my husband has realized who he really is, and at the same time, I’d like him to take ownership of how repressing his sexuality affected our relationship. He doesn’t see how the two are related.

I’ve had over a year to process my feelings. I don’t miss living with him. I don’t miss the house or the yard – and I thought I would. I love the condo I’ve bought. I love living two minutes from the lake. I love the freedom of being able to do things and not be told I’m doing it wrong, or being given a “pro tip” to do it differently. I love that his partner/roommate loves dogs and is happy to have Keo visit a couple of times a week to play in the big yard.

I’m starting this adventure because of the one he’s realized, and started, for himself. It’s not what I had planned when we married, but it’s our reality. I could choose to wallow in the grief of ending another long-term relationship, or the unfairness I felt, but that’s not me. Sure, I felt that for awhile; it’s natural. Being on my own has given me a sense of freedom and “lightness” I haven’t felt in a long time.

I’m embracing the rediscovery of “me”. Doing what I like, when I like. Making decisions that are for me alone without having to consider anyone else. Midlife is not only arising, it’s propelling me forward in a way I couldn’t have imagined. Finding my “self” is the biggest adventure of all.

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